4 years ago
My Progress So Far
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Rough day
Today was rough for me, fertility-wise as we celebrated June Marie's daughters first birthday. It was very rushed and last minute, very different from how I would do it. It was nice though, every thing came together beautifully. It was a small gathering, the list of attendees:
June Marie & her husband Colin
Their 3 children
Colin's sister Sienna, her husband and 2 children.
Colin's other sister Shandy and her son.
Colin's mom.
And me & Big.
Baby Alice wouldn't go to anyone but me or June Marie. & June was running around like crazy trying to get things settled so I was it. & for some reason this really broke my heart. It hurt the infertile me that I hide so well. Alice crying for me when the others tried to take her from me. Alice reaching for me to get out of their arms. It broke me. This only happens to women that are mothers. I have never experienced anything like it.
Unfortunately for me, I couldn't process this unexpected emotion and spent a good portion of the party crying in the bathroom. Oh, and in the midst of my weeping session... Aunt flow showed up to comfort me! All topping the fact that I ridiculously took a HPT this morning! Ha! #thankyouverymuch #insulttoinjury
Had to throw in some hashtags in there!
The whole day, Mr. Big & I would whisper things, "I hope our kid is mellow". "I would have done that differently". "I can't wait to have our own baby".
That's what I have been repeating the most... "I want our own baby.". And if I can't, I just want to move on to the next option, even if I am not sure what that option is yet.
Yes friends, I have had a rough day, and it's time to put this day to bed.
Happier times tomorrow!
-bubble baths, 1st birthdays, and a bib that says "I love my mommy"...
Your friend,
Truely Blue
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1 comment:
I;m sure as you have read, our journey is to adoption. However we have not yet gotten to that part of the process yet. So we still have to "share" our baby and children with their bio 'rents and its very hard. We have the parental bond with our children and have for quite sometime. So when they are asking for mommy and pulling on me or daddy and pulling on my husband. Or our 1 y/o cries reaching for me during one of those visits we literally have to strap our arms across our chests and bite our lip trying not to follow our first instinct to respond naturally. But most of all us not get upset or cry. Its hard to let go once you have formed a bond with a child.
Before we made our move into the direction of parenthood I never let myself get close to someone elses child because I knew it would hurt me to badly. I couldn't hold that child without being judged, "Am I doing it to their expectations." "When are they just going to snatch the baby out from my arms?" "I know when i go home my arms will be empty and that sweet little person will be calling them mommy." Those are the things I struggled with before we moved forward onto adoptions and started this whole process.
So I commend you highly for allowing yourself to open up to that child that much without worrying about the awful side affects from IF. My heart reaches out to you and I'm praying for positive outcomes in your family!!!
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